Weather or Not

As I’m writing this, it’s 106 degrees, a new record high for San Carlos. It’s also a new record high for crabbiness in my house. It’s not Keeper, who has yet to raise his voice in the 18 years I’ve known him. In fact, I wish he WOULD raise his voice so I could hear him over the damn fans.

 

Even as I’m encased in a blanket of my own sweat, I’m trying to stay positive. I’m telling myself that our forbears put up with discomforts that we can’t imagine today. I remind myself that I’m fortunate not to live in Sacramento or on the top floor of an apartment building that’s a real-life example of heat rising. I’m grateful I’m not a roofer working with hot tar.

 

So, to stay positive, let’s look at the heat wave as a learning opportunity.  I’m keeping a running list of all the things I’ve discovered.

 

1. Mr. Bobo is right. The bathroom floor is indeed the coolest place in the house. His assertion that the doorway is the preferred spot is up for debate.

2. Hot air that’s being pushed through a fan is still hot air.

3. Contrary to what you might think, leather furniture absorbs sweat.

4. You can take up to three showers a day without getting alligator skin.

5. Towels that have been absorbing 90 degree heat for 3 days feel like they just came out of the dryer.

6. I’ll watch a movie that’s total crap as long as the theater is air-conditioned.

7. Popcorn and a giant soda make a satisfying meal during a heat wave.

8. Asking me the question “Do I have any clean underwear?” does not elicit the desired information.

9. Going to the office in the morning is suddenly quite attractive.

10. Camping in the backyard? No.

11. People who are just now shopping for fans – duh! 

12. My intention to be the only newspaper columnist on the west coast who didn’t mention the heat was futile. I can’t think about anything else.

13. Real reason the polar ice caps are melting: the heat put out by computers.

14. “Spare the Air” my ass. I’m driving around in my air-conditioned gas guzzler and you can’t stop me.

15. The argument is settled: I’d rather be too cold than too hot any day.

16. Naked is not a good look for me.

17. The best drink ever: an Arnold Palmer (half iced tea, half lemonade)

18. The bathroom mirror doesn’t fog when the room temperature is hotter than the shower.

19. Knitting a wool sweater: not a good pastime in July.

20. Keeper can find a way to blame ANYTHING – including weather fronts – on George Bush.